Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
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Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
describing stardew valley
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?