My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
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Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I like donuts.
Twitter:
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
How is it still this week?
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”