Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
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{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more