*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
You Might Also Like
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.