There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
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Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside