WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
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Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I’m sorry…what?
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree