PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
You Might Also Like
im all 3
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.