Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
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i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I created you as mosquito food.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron: