Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
You Might Also Like
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
They’re on their honeymoon
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
😅🤣😂
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.