darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
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I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked