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Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.