kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
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BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Note to self: always read the final line
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.