My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
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john wicks are toilet candles
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
i will not be silenced
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
motivation
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Writing, She Murdered.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?