[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
You Might Also Like
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
So creative 😂
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again