І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
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Holy moly
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?