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Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”