Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
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this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
it’s finally my moment to shine
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.