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If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.