me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
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I’d hang this in my house.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵