My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
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An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”