Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
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Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.