Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
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“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?