gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
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My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
eggs benadryl
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
ACED my prostate exam!
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one