I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
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[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Art by Pastelkatto
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine