Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
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*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
this has to be peak English
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
When news reporters do sports stories
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD