*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
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we did it you guys we saved daylight
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
and now we wait
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.