Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
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CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine