I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
You Might Also Like
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
When you’ve simply given up.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party