Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
You Might Also Like
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.