It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
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You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.