Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*