I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
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911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
This is my favorite one of these!
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.