Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
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all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
I’m Sold!
Still a very good boi….
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here