I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
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people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.