My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
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Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
one last job
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Weighing up my bread heating options
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!