Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
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*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan