Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
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My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
This forever.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it