Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
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It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets