Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
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If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
When someone trying to leave me
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Your honor these allegations are
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.