You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
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Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Only Americans understand
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.