Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
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do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
going to the ER y’all need anything
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?