[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
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Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help