*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
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People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
The devil.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Eggs benadryl my favourite
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Worth remembering.