3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
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Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!