If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
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Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.