Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
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so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.