If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
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i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.