“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
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A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.