I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
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Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting