Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
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5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Proctology is located in A55
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.